Pettiness on Parade
In case you hadn’t noticed, it’s become wildly popular to humbly brag about what you eat. Friends parading their Keto diets like they’ve survived storming the beaches of Normandy. Overnight health gurus, who quit corporate jobs, now pushing questionable non-FDA approved powders and oils in mason jars. Moms mounting morality high horses over organic lunches and gluten-free goodies.
Like mini chefs, they carefully curate and craft for consumption. The funny thing is, there’s a disconnect with their Netflix selection. Sure you can binge on tofu donuts, but if you’re binging on Mob Wives or Celebrity Rehab, chances are, you won’t feel healthy. Call it a guilty pleasure, but whatever you consume, you become. Take Bravo’s The Real Housewives, these 50-year-old botox babes, have routinely lessoned us with friendship skills 101:
Get insecure when a newly bodacious- size 0, Housewife arrives on the show.
At your annual charity event, don’t act benevolent, make a big deal over a Housewife’s fashion faux pas. She wore beige, at my white party!
Trust a rumor. Hire a P.I. and really dig into a Housewife’s past. Share findings with TMZ.
When confronted, meet Housewife in a fancy restaurant over lunch. If caught, immediately go off topic and go low with digs- children’s substance abuse, husband’s affair. Cause a mega scene. Leave without paying.
If confronted again, act like a toddler. Throw something. Wine in the face? Flip a Table? Pull a wig off? A prosthetic leg? Seriously, a fake leg was thrown across party.
At the season reunion, wear a gaudy, tight low-cut gown, and bring up the old beef, but feel emotionally restricted by wardrobe choice and numerous facelifts. Audience: Is she crying or laughing? We can’t tell...
Here’s the deal- reality TV is addicting because we see our egos in these clowns. We see the crash-course of what happens when bitterness goes too far. When the fruition of teenage drama never matures. When pettiness creates casualties. And we ask ourselves, what is pettiness all about? Why can’t these women, who have it all, just move on?
Meet Natalie
On first impression, Natalie is the perfect balance of pretty and spunky. With an effortless sense of fashion, any style seems to fit her like a glove. Photogenic and fun, Natalie enlivens the mood. Never to be too cool, her strong Italian upbringing of homemade pasta and sauces, adds that extra zest for life. She’s from Detroit, but you could totally see her zipping a Vespa around Rome’s cafes. Truly, she loves meeting new people and new experiences.
I’ve worked closely with Natalie for eight years, and my favorite quality is that she’s scrappy. Wearing her heart on her sleeve, she jumps feet first into any acting role, coaching, and attempting her best. While so many girls are consumed with looking perfect, Natalie is an open book. It’s this scrappiness that makes her resilient. But if Natalie’s honest, she’d say, it doesn’t always feel this way. She’s found that as she tries to move forward, small town pettiness holds her back.
In the digital age of posting proof of “mom-vacations”, ‘girl gangs”, “besties”, “ride or die crews”, it’s hard not feel slighted- for this is the new status. To be uninvited, and not feel hurt. And when everything’s a message, how can you not read into everything? How do you forgive, not get petty?
Julie: We like to say, I forgive you, but we both know, nobody forgets, how have you seen this in your own life? How have you struggled with forgiveness?
Natalie: Friendships mean everything to me. Honestly, I see them as a source of security. The problem is, I can put so much into a relationship, and expect the same back. So I’ve been guilty of pushing too much, maybe unrealistic expectations, not reading the signs. But I’m kind, and I know that niceness can be seen as vulnerable. Whatever it is, I’ve been on both sides of pettiness, and it sucks.
Julie: In your twenties, finding those with the same mindset and maturity is harder than you think.
Natalie: Exactly, it’s like many would rather have something shallow for pics rather than something authentic.
Julie: What do you mean, I guess, why would you be friends with these people?
Natalie: There’s status with a gang of friends. Even if they’re toxic, it’s better than being lonely. I watched so many put up with nastiness and drama, including myself just to belong. It’s funny, I’m in my twenties, and yet so many of us, still act like we’re in high school. Like, creating drama over nothing. Pettiness because they’re bored.
Let’s Define Small by Talking about Big
I’ve been using the word petty to describe a negative way people act, but the word shows up in everyday life quite a bit in another context, size. Petty didn’t always mean something bad, for centuries it meant, tiny in comparison to big things. Petty comes from the French word petit, meaning small. Petty cash is a small amount of money compared to a company check. Petty crimes, like trespassing or shoplifting, are offenses that are very small compared to domestic violence or first degree murder. And that’s the thing about pettiness that we can’t lose sight of, the smallness of a thing is often exposed when compared to large things.
Julie: What kicks off pettiness?
Natalie: Girls will forgive to save face, because that’s the polite thing to do, but they won’t forget. And they’ll find subtle ways to get back. It’s like they’ve put you on the outs, and there’s no way of getting their grace back.
Julie: This is awful. Well, why not say, “Forget you.” and leave?
Natalie: Maybe it’s pride. If I’m with a group of girls, and know they don’t like me, I’ll still show up. I’ll still try to win them over. Put up with their toxicity. Cause, I know if I stopped hanging out with them, they’ll believe they got to me and won. So there I’d be, feeling miserable, afraid to let go.
Julie: What specific pettiness have you experienced?
Natalie: Being nice to my face, but then I find out what they were saying about me in the bathroom, or there’d be a group text I wasn’t included in, or an uninvited bday brunch. All the stuff that makes you feel crazy. Like if I saw a pic of a girls night out, where I was clearly uninvited, it would really get to me. Totally affect my self esteem. I knew they were being mean, and yet I was mad at myself for caring so much. I wish I could just be above it all, and yet I couldn’t. I kept thinking, what is it about me that they hate so much, to treat so coldly?
Julie: Do you wish they were just directly mean?
Natalie: Yeah, because to everyone else, they don’t see the games, the preferential treatment, the cold shoulders, so I looked dramatic, needy. I’m the strange one.
Pettiness is the Default Mindset of People with Nothing Important to Do
I believe that one of the greatest threats to young women in the coming 2020s will be the shrinking of the female mind via the weapon of pettiness, specifically through social media. All of the recent gains women have made in careers, communities, and confidence is willfully being given away as we chase hearts, likes, and comments all wirelessly delivered day and night via our phones. Trading purpose for popularity is a Faustian bargain, and it reminds me of a similar deal made 2020 years ago on a mountaintop between Satan and Jesus.
“Then the devil led Him up to a high place and showed Him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world.“I will give You authority over all these kingdoms and all their glory,” he said...So if You worship me, it will all be Yours.”
Fasting for 40 days, Jesus was tired, hungry, angry at the insulting and arrogant people he’d come to save, the devil was tempting him with power, revenge, and instant end to his frustrations. Yes, his own people lobbed petty insults at him daily. Yes, the lawyers and rulers were trying to publicly destroy him with petty word games and traps. But, Jesus had bigger problems to solve, the fate of the world lay in the balance. He could go hungry a bit longer. Jesus would ignore the petty and focus on the powerful.
So he answered Satan with the best tool available the Word of God:
“But Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God and serve only Him.’”
Jesus had already filled his mind with the Word of God and when the time was needed he knew what to say. I’ll be honest, most young women I talk with have a mind completely empty of the Word of God. I’m not sure how it works for men, but for the ladies a mind empty of scripture is a mind is full of fear.
Smallness is the Greatest Threat to Christians Women
Ladies, this is important. To be a woman is to deal with many fears. We’re afraid of date rape, getting murdered in dark parking lots, we’re scared that a pervert will snap a compromising picture of us and post it online, terrified that our car breaks down somewhere without phone service and a pack of inbred hillbillies eats us. All of these huge improbable fears consume our thought lives. But the biggest threat isn’t wearing a black ski-mask, or installing spy cams in the H&M dressing rooms. The biggest threat to the community of Christian women is small empty heads.
I’m afraid for our generation, that we will dissolve our God given rights to stand against the tides of evil and declare that Jesus is King and He came to set the captives free. I’m worried that women of Faith with become women of Facebook. And it’s not just young women. Just look at the older generation of women. They LIVE on social media. For hours at a time they’re arguing, and commenting, and liking, and frowning. Filling our minds with useless things will destroy every generation of women.
The Antidote to Pettiness is Bigness
This quote by Marianne Williamson sums up our fears perfectly.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson
Julie: So you’ve moving past all of this pettiness, where do you see yourself in five years?
Natalie: I love theater. And right now I’m working towards using my gifts in drama to create and coach Christian teams to share the gospel.To equip teenagers to find purpose and fun.This is where I’ve found myself most fulfilled, most happy.
It’s worth noting, that four years ago, Natalie and I shared an epic experience. We assembled a all-female Christian drama team of nine girls to compete at the state the national level. I wrote a script about choosing a legacy of faith, and Natalie blocked the movements. Of course early on, much time was spent on squashing pettiness. The girls soon came to understand- gossip, comparisons, coolness had no place within our mission. We had a strong mission of sharing hope. And so they saw the mission was bigger than squabbles. And winners aren’t small-minded. We won State and Nationals. We teamed up with the idea that when you serve others, you take part in the handiwork of God. And when we won, we cried. We knew we took part of a purpose bigger than ourselves. A divine purpose that washes away pettiness.
Let pettiness have no place in your heart. Burn it out of your friend circle. As you live large and boldly, the insecure petty ones will leave, let them crawl back into the darkness. Small people aren’t only boring, they’re cowardly and insecure. Fill your heart with a need to fix big problems and your mind with the Word of God. Find your security in the faithfulness of great godly friendships. Be ready in season and out to give an answer to why you believe what you believe. Because you’re not going to play small, are you?
