The Girl Squad Dilemma
I’ve been using Facebook for fifteen years. I’ve spent a decade and a half reading comment drama, stalking former high school classmates, and in that time I’ve accumulated hundreds of “friends.” I’ve also watched social media change social norms, some subtle and some enormous. Here’s a short list of things nobody did or had before Facebook existed:
Nobody took pictures of their lunch.
Nobody had any idea what their childhood sweetheart was up to 15 years later.
Nobody read and commented publicly on their pastor’s political opinions.
Nobody knew when their former high school principal’s birthday was.
Nobody read strange romantic essays about their second cousin’s wife on their 7th wedding anniversary.
Nobody took artsy wedding photographs.
Nobody “checked-in” to a Vape shop.
Nobody, and I mean nobody, had 758 friends. We had a social circle of about 20 people.
The craziest thing Facebook has done? It’s redefined the word “friend.”
One of the great pleasures of friendship is having someone to share your life experiences with. But what happens when you have 1,000 plus friendships? Now that our social circles have expanded it seems that we feel obligated to share every major life moment.
Before Facebook, when a new baby was born, the excited father would bring in a pink or blue balloon to the hospital, grandparents would show up, and everyone would gather around a disposable camera and snap 12 pictures. And if the new dad was really psyched, he’d hand out cigars to his coworkers the next day. That was it, the entire celebration.
But now, thanks to Facebook, people are burning down entire swaths of Arizona in wildfire because their explosive gender reveal parties are taking a wrong turn. I’m not critiquing, mind you. We posted a half hour birth vlog on Youtube. I’m just pointing out that things have changed.
Here’s a great example. Recently, I saw this Facebook post:
“Prayer Warriors Needed! Heading to the hospital for another Colonoscopy!! Send thoughts and prayers my way for a good scoping!”
I think I speak for everyone here when I say, “yuck!” But here’s the weird part, this post had over 100 likes. What does it mean to like this post? One “like” equals one “prayer?” Or maybe it means, “I hope it all works out”. Hopefully it doesn’t mean, “I like that you’re having a procedure on your colon.”
Funny enough, some just sent single emojis of praying hands. That’s it. No words, just two cartoony canary-yellow hands pressed together. Thanks for the effort.
I worry that we’ve become so relaxed with our definition of friendship that we’ve forgotten how to act like one. Actual friendship is awkward, taxing, it’s time consuming, and usually inconvenient. Everyone wants lots of friends. But there’s one truth that even Facebook can’t change: having a good friend requires us to act like a good friend.
Meet Rachel
When you meet Rachel, you’ll know she’s the type to pull up a chair, and make room for you at her table. Her presence is both comfy and radiant. She’s tall, but not imposing. Her olive-skin and easy smile both seem to glow in stark contrast to Michigan’s gloomiest weather.. But I think it’s the calmness she carries that brings people to her. It’s hypnotic, when she walks into a room, every heartbeat seems to slow down. Friends feel safe, my rabid twins cuddle up next to her and fall asleep.
Rachel engages in conversation without scheme. She’s not a gossip, or overly opinionated, or needy. There’s an extra warmth to her conversations that many have experienced but few can explain. When I talk to Rachel, even the sound seems to deafen. Maybe it’s her hair. If you haven’t seen it, it's a natural wonder. Wildly Long, curly and thick. Pretty sure she’s snuck movie snacks in it. It may have its own Social Security Number. The sound absorbing quality of her magical mane in cooperation with her smooth contralto voice makes me feel like I’m having a conversation with the personification of a cozy coffee shop. Because, with Rachel, she’s present. Whatever you’re going through, she leans in and listens. She sees you as you are. With Rachel, you matter. Maybe this is why she’s so widely popular.
Frenemies on Parade
But it wasn’t always this way. In the past, she didn’t have many friends. Like some of us, she didn’t find herself in the cool clique. And whatever was the pecking order, she was picked last. It’s funny how we forget the pain of middle school, and it’s easy to say, “kids can be cruel”. And so, I wanted to know how pressure and time created a gem like her.
Julie: So how does it feel to be Michigan’s most beloved bridesmaid?
Rachel: Yeah, I’ve had three this year. And another next year. I might need a second job.
Julie: I don’t know anyone that doesn’t want to be your friend. Why do you think this is?
Rachel: I guess, I just really try hard to be kind to everyone.
Julie: You know, most are fine with being nice. But nice is passive. How did you become proactive with kindness?
Rachel: Yeah, I just know what it’s like to feel lonely and different. In middle school, I transferred to a small private school. It was a school filled with tiny perky blond girls, and I was the tall dark-skinned, big-haired girl. I also have Vitiligo, so I felt even more odd. Everyone was so insecure, so I’m sure being my friend wasn’t worth the effort. You know in those teen movies where the newbie arrives and finds at least one friend. I couldn’t even get that one friend! Those years were awful!
Julie: Not even the cafeteria loner with a lunch tray?
Rachel: Ha, Yes! I didn’t have that friend!
Julie: That panicky feeling of searching for someone to sit with is all too real.
Rachel: Seriously...this is why if I see someone alone at church, like a visitor, or anyone with the awkward vibes, I warmly welcome them. It’s like my radar goes off . You just never know what their story is. I might be the only Bible they ever see, and so I’m really big about authentic first impressions.
When Acting Normal Isn’t Normal
Why didn’t she have tons of friends? She didn’t eat glue or have a creepy imaginary friend. Rachel acted normal. And today, normal seems strange. The world shifted and her parents raised her to be kind, honest, and uncynical. But the rules of social media changed. Your social approval once valued in hard work and care, now quantified. The increasing number of followers and likes, all attributing to self worth. Your name synonymous to a number defining your social abilities. We once heard about the big party over the weekend, but now there’s pictures online- evidence that we weren't enough for an invite. Whoever we were or the dreams we wanted to be, were reduced to a number.
Of course Rachel isn’t the only one, we’ve all been here. I’ve watched grown adult women flounder over Facebook. Some have full on crazed conspiracies from friends not liking and commenting their daily posts enough. As if fifty comments of “Beautiful family!” and “Wow! Congrats!” doesn’t live up to their relationship expectations. So in our allowance of social media intertwining with our lives, have we chosen mass quantity over the beauty of quality?
Julie: So how long did this go on?
Rachel: With time, I gained many more friends, but was still insecure. That whatever happened in the past, I felt accumulating more friends would be the answer. So I was content to have many friends, even if they were crappy. You know, being surrounded by a bunch of shallow friends can give you a false sense of confidence. So in a way, I didn’t care they were unhealthy. I was willing to suffer. Looking back, I was the normal one. I was kind. I didn’t think it was cool to gossip or backstab. And to some, kindness was weakness. I didn’t change, so I forgave and stuck with them. I was a doormat.
Julie: Friendships carry a strong influence, how did this not change you?
Rachel: My family is my rock. Next to Jesus, they’re my source of confidence and strength. We’re super close. So no matter the friendship drama, their love helped me know my true worth. Their wisdom gave me hope. And with time, their influence helped me reprioritize my life.
How do you leave a bad relationship? Have a better one elsewhere. Rachel’s parents love Jesus. Noteworthy for their charity, they don't need to preach. Their faith is evident in their radical benevolence. They’re Christ’s hands and feet within the city. More so, they’ve shown Rachel what real love looks like.
In leading missions trips, Rachel cultivated a compassion for the downtrodden, the less than, the forgotten. I’ve been with her as she’s held impoverished mothers, hugged orphans, groomed shut-ins, clothed homeless. For with Rachel, all have a seat at her table. She sees more than a status, she sees a soul. And when you work with God’s people, you find purpose.
Having Best Friends and Nothing to Prove.
Rachel’s not alone. How many times have we given so-called “besties” a pass because of nostalgia or family ties. You can be a bad best friend. So what if you made friendship bracelets in kindergarten? Rachel now knows that a friend sticks closer than a sister. She’s careful to only have relationships grow with her. She’s picky, and that’s a good thing. She’s cultivated a loving group of best friends by cutting out relationships that were shallow and unhealthy.
Julie: It’s funny, you’re so well loved, but where’s your “girl gang” Insta pics?
Rachel: I use to want that. But that’s too much work. My friends and I hangout all the time with no pictures to make it official, and it’s refreshing.
Julie: So how’d your past help you become a better friend?
Rachel: It helped in choosing the right friends. Once I refused to be a doormat, I realized good friends were needed for my well-being. And, it’s okay to say no.
Julie: Today what are your essentials for a best friend?
Rachel: You don’t need talk everyday. There’s an ease with their loyalty. They reach out even if they don’t have the right words. You might not be on the same path, but they grow with you. They’re there, and you feel peace.
Your Five Friends
You feel peace. Psychologists will tell you that you become the average of your five closest friends. Hang out with five critical and mean spirit people and you will eventually take on the traits and habits of those five bitter buddies. This means you can also hang around with five positive, goal oriented, healthy girls with godly relationships and you will grow to be like them. I’m fond of telling the ladies around me, “show me your five friends, and I’ll show you your future.” I’ve said it so much that they can finish the sentence with me.
But I’ve noticed something else as well. And to test my theory I looked into some psychological studies to prove my idea. Here’s the simplest form of the idea. Everyone of your five friends probably has different friends in their lives. So that means they are being influenced by those friends, which means you are also being influenced by 20 or 30 different people.
In a recent study on obesity, researchers found that if your friend struggles with weight gain you’re 20% more likely to struggle with weight gain. This makes total sense to everyone. What the researchers found next was shocking.
If your friend has a friend who struggles with weight gain, YOU are 10% more likely to struggle with weight gain. That’s crazy! The friend of your friends has an indirect impact on your life, health, and emotional strength.
As Christians, this probably is also a factor that influences you. Do your best friends have friends that gossip, lie, cheat, or steal? There’s a spiritual impact on you!
Rachel found this out the hard way. She needed to remove influential friends that were negatively influencing her life and hurting her mental health. At first all she wanted was one friend. But—and I see this happen a lot—when she built her friend making skills she ended up collecting too many friends. A common overreaction to not having many friends as a child.
It was only when she took a hard look at the friends of her friends that she realized there was way too many influences on her life. She couldn’t control them all. So she had to cut some loose. I’ve had to do the same thing. It’s painful and those friends can say and do terrible things that hurt your feelings. But you have a mandate to be healthy and whole. So cut you must.
Too Many Friends
If you asked King Solomon what he thought of having a Facebook friend list of 1,000 he would understand. He made a similar mistake by marrying 300 wives and having 700+ concubines. What a moron! Hahah, my husband can barely handle one amazing and headstrong wife. Poor guy! Solomon later regretted his foolishness and he advised others against overloading their friendship rosters. In his famous book of wisdom, Proverbs, Solomon says, “A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
This scripture is amazing advice and warning against filling our lives with dangerous friendships, but it also reminds everyone that no matter what friends you do have you’re never alone. To the believer, God himself will always be the friend who sticks closer than a sister, bestie, college roommate, or high school sweetheart. So be careful out there, choose wisely who you call friend. Make sure you like who your friends call ‘friend’ too. And never forget that you’re not alone, not any more.