The Bomb Shelters We Build

I’m not a zombie fan. They gross me out, but I understand the appeal. It’s a cinematic creepy idea: something that you killed... comes back. Something you buried, spoke last rites over, is unearthed, returns deadlier, and well, “It’s Alive.”

About ten years ago we were living in the golden age of zombies. It was the dawn of the decayed. I’m not sure if it was the AMC show, The Walking Dead that started the trend, but for a while it seemed everyday was an apocalypse. Nothing was safe from the zombies on parade.They shambled their way into classic literature and attacked historical figures. Remember Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, or Abraham Lincoln Zombie Hunter? But what was worse, some folks actually took the zombie threat seriously. These doomsday preppers stockpiled weapons, took up canning, went off the grid, tightly barricaded themselves away from the world, anxiously prepared for a fear only meant for fiction.

How Fear is Created

Who could forget the opening scene of Jaws? If you haven’t seen it, a girl goes for a solo night swim and is attacked by the most famous great white shark of all time- Jaws. That fish ripped into how horror movies are made. And of course, wildly instilled an irrational fear of sharks, deep ocean water, or for the rare few, even bath time. From that point on, every horror movie has included a similar set up: a scene to shock the audience in showing just how lethal the monster is and why we should be afraid.

Horror movies understand that fear is based on memory. Bad experiences when remembered, trigger a fearful response. The opposite is also true. Little kids don’t fear hot stoves or sharp knives because they haven’t had the painful experiences.

Truthfully, this is why I still sleep with a light on. You could say nightlight. I don’t care. I represent, and proudly stand with the adult women who, come bedtime, leave that hallway, closet, or lamp light on. I’ve filled my mind with way too many Dateline or Cold Case Files plots, to know 12-4am is prime time for wackos. So, It’s not that we’re afraid of the dark, it’s what the dark brings: uncertainty. So I leave the light on, to say, “Hey you, I’m ready.”

Meet Lauren

In working with teenagers and young adults, I’ve learned that the ones who are more successful share similar traits. In coaching Lauren in drama, and I noticed she had every single one of those traits. She was confident, not thrown off by change, prepared, and best of all, consistent. With acting, consistency holds its weight in gold. And so, public speaking and stagecraft came easy. In competitions, she often earned the lead, won the awards, and we praised her name.

Now a premed student, Lauren is a hard worker. Not limiting herself to artistic pursuits, she also excels in academics, has a good relationship with her family, and enjoys a tight little ‘squad’ of quality friends. But even knowing her well, something from her past has always intrigued me, so I asked her about it.

Lauren: “I think it was when I entered high school it all changed. You know everyone talks about how much they middle school sucks, well, for me it was high school”.

Julie: “Were you bullied?”

Lauren: “No, and I kept up my grades. I know this sounds crazy, but it was like from elementary school through middle school, I figured it out. I was liked, had a bunch of friends, on student council, and then entering high school it all changed. It was like everyone changed, but I didn’t. I couldn’t, because I’d be fake. And I felt sort of abandoned.”

I should explain a bit about her school. Lauren attended a private school that for the area was somewhat prestigious. There isn’t a Kennedy or VanderBilt, but many of the students were sons and daughters of important families in the county—or at least they thought that way. Think Gossip Girl but two or three tiers lower.

Lauren: “I had a best friend and she changed, like she became apart of this culture of affluence. Her clothes changed, friends change, she even changed her voice. And whatever shift happened it’s like I couldn’t get it. And I felt different. My best friend left me for new friends. Friends that were cool, and that wasn’t me. I know this isn’t traumatic, but for me, it created this identity complex that I was different, that I couldn’t relate.

Friendships and Coming of Age Is A Delicate Balance

High school can feel like a sinking ship and relationships are often lifeboats. Even adults still feel this way. You show up to a party, replaying scenarios in you head, second guessing your outfit choice, or conversational topics, but there’s a wave of relief once you see a good friend.

Lauren felt rejected by a best friend. She felt like she didn’t measure up to what her friend wanted. It’s easy to say. “Just move on, make new friends.” But that’s hard when a friend is like a time capsule holding inside your secrets, mistakes, crushes, and dreams. You can’t just move on.

Eventually, Lauren switched high schools, left the private for a public school, still excelled academically, but even though the environment changed, it still wasn’t enough, because she feared she wasn’t enough.

Lauren: “Looking back, it wasn’t all bad. I mean, I made friends. But I thought if I switched schools, and attended with another close friend, I’d feel more comfortable, safe.”

Julie: “Everything you’re saying is the exact opposite of the confident Lauren I knew parlaying characters on stage with your pizzazz.”

Lauren: “Yeah, but at school, if I gave a presentation, I would be shaking with fear at my desk. I dreaded it. I guess I was so worried about what people thought of me. Like if I did something, I would be rejected, laughed at. I don’t even know, I just wanted to get by under the radar. I guess I saw myself as different, so I never wanted it to be exposed that I was different.”

On the surface, Lauren’s situation appears almost ordinary, maybe even a little over dramatic. A first-world problem. Lauren created a complex about herself, that she the square peg who didn’t fit within society’s round hole. But we’ve all been there. Our problems don’t compare to what others go through, but they’re positively huge to us.

For Lauren, it was like two worlds were always at play. The physical, and the one inside her head. She could play the dutiful daughter and faithful friend, but in her mind, she questioned every move, replayed conversations, doubted motives. Unconsciously, we all have a traffic of thoughts moving and intersecting with memories and emotions. Some of us, are able to rest and put our thoughts on snooze. Not much self-reflection. Others have trouble snoozing their internal dialogue. Lauren was continually self-reflecting, analyzing and assessing her intentions and intentions of the world around her.

With time, research, and clinical assessments, Lauren was diagnosed with anxiety. But before she recognized the condition, things got harder as she started to collapse in on herself.

Lauren: At it’s worse, I struggled to leave the house. Sleeping was hard. Thoughts and scenarios would race through my head. To my friends, I felt like a burden. I felt different. Fearful of the unknown. I wanted to make sure I made everyone proud, and not get hurt. I didn’t want to fail.

She’s not alone. And who are we to weigh in on someone’s reaction to rejection? The problem is, is this was living looks like? God created our hearts for community. For doomsday preppers are not the same as investors. One believes the future will soon end in ash the other believes there’s still hope.

In the end it’s all about attitude. This is what Lauren learned.

Lauren: It took time and knowledge to realize that I’m the one who needs to change. My friends love me. That I’m not broken, that’s there’s hope, even within hangups, I’m beautifully and wonderfully made. And that I need to get out of me head, and live.”

Lauren’s right. That’s where fear is created. Monsters don’t create fear. We do. We decide what goes bump in the night. We decide to be fearlessly, wonderfully made.

The Trick of Fear

Fear starts as a shocking experience and then creates thoughts and emotions that can control us. It’s the biggest reason we miss out on what God wants for us. Because ultimately, fear is the opposite of faith.

Since fear begins with experiences that manipulate our thoughts, Proverbs 23:7 tells us that "as [a man] thinks in his heart, so is he" (NKJV). For us, I think of it this way: Where her mind goes, the her body follows.

Finding Freedom

This is why the Bible talks thinking through God's Word and having our minds refreshed. This has helped me know what God's will is. The truth sets you free from the lie that was holding you back from something God had for you. It seems simple, almost elementary. But if I’m honest, most of my personal life has been affected by fear- and the moments when I’m most capable, powerful, and confident have been when I’ve buried myself in the Bible study and prayer.

I wonder how many young ladies out there were like Lauren; having incredible gifts and talents from God, but were crushed and incapacitated because they were overcome with fear? I know I have.

I talk to so many frustrated ladies who know they're not doing what they are meant to do and are letting fear rule them instead.

A Bold New Identity

When we join our lives with Jesus we become God’s creative work. “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10)

This is huge, whoever Jesus is, we are too. He is powerful, and in Him, we are too. He is brave; in Him, we are too. He has peace and joy, so we do too. It may seem cliche to a woman born and raised in the faith, but it true! In Jesus, we can do what we are called to do. And that means killing those zombie thoughts and feelings, stop stockpiling, emerging from our bomb shelters, so we can get on with our lives!